Emotions 1
by KrisCatherine
Summary: Sam's POV


Title: Emotions 

Author: GateTravler

Email: [GateTravler@stargatesg-1.com][1]

Category: S/J Agnst 

Spoilers: D & C 

Special Thanks: to Laura who betaed for me :o) 

I am back at home now; I can't believe what had happened over the last few days on base. I mean first the incident with the To'kra, then finding out that anyone on base could be infected with a Gou'ld mind controlling device.

Well that just tops the cake let me tell you. I mean we have a little dry spell and they go and ruin it all. And no that isn't a bit of sarcasm in my voice.

I guess Jack is rubbing off on me, more than I thought. Not that, that is a bad thing. Really.

Well let me start from when everything went all crazy on base. Maybe writing things out will help me get a clearer mind…who knows. One can try right?

Well Anise said she had this Zatarc device. Actually it was Jack's idea, and he thinks he isn't smart. I am getting off the track here, I will get back to him in a little bit. Anyway, we brought the device back us, I knew that we had to find this person, who ever it was and stop them. The president could not be harmed; it is our job to protect him. 

We started testing all the members on base. It took hours, let me tell you. I know I am a scientist and everything, and I am used to standing there and running test after test, bit for some reason I knew it wasn't any of us. But we needed to be sure.

It did turn out be one of us, well it was Astor. The machine went wild, turned all sorts of different colors. Martouf said she was lying that her story was not true. Lying.

Questions started running through my head, did she know she wasn't telling the truth? Is she doing this on purpose? If so what are her motivations? You know all the usual questions that runs through someone's mind when they feel like they are being betrayed, even if it wasn't on purpose.

I can't help feel grateful that is wasn't me or Jack or Daniel, even Teal'c. Well that thought ran through my head before they thought it was us anyway.

Well there I stood, Janet beside me, Jack sitting in the chair in front of me. Watching, it was like he was taking vigil or something. 

Do you know how hard it is to stand there over his shoulder, watching, waiting, being in the same room with him and not being able too….Aww hell. After the last mission with those damn arm bands, don't get me wrong it was cool to have incredible strength and speed, but there was a down side. 

I have no idea why but everything was like it was enhanced with those arm bands, even my emotions. Good my emotions, I was trained to keep them under wraps, not to let them influence me in any way. But for some reason I can't help it here. WHY?

I think everything went, not down hill, but…when we went to O'Maileys for dinner together. Yeah I know Daniel was there, but for some reason it didn't matter. The whole time Jack sat across from me, watching me. I mean watching me. I have no idea why, well I do now, but then I didn't. At least I let myself believe I didn't know. 

Daniel got up and went over to the pool table, I guess he decided that Jack and I needed time alone. Please Daniel don't do that again, the things I do when we are alone, well it's not good. Well it's good, but it is also against the regulations. Anyway Daniel watched me from the pool table as he shot his second, and smiled.

I looked away and right into Jack's features. Bad move, I had a few beers in me at this point, as did he, along with some tequila. I am not sure how he drinks that stuff, but to each his own. I looked down at my beer, it was only for a moment, I swear, but when I looked back up he was sitting next to me. I mean not in Daniel's seat, but right next to me. He was so close; I wanted to…I don't know. I just wanted to do something. My emotions where running wild, Janet said they would, but I was never expecting the flooding of them I had right now.

So there I sat, next to me CO, my best friend the man I am so very attracted to, the one person who completes me. And I am just sitting here, what is wrong with this picture? Luckily Jack felt the need to further our 'contact' if you may. I am glad he did because I am not sure I would have done more than sit there like a scared cat. I watched as he slowly rested his right arm around the back of my hair, his finger tips lightly brushed against the soft leather of my jacket. I have never felt anything so energizing in my life. I slowly looked over at him, we were inches apart, but for some reason, whether it be that we weren't ready or I wasn't ready to take that next step, which ever, this was more than enough. Especially with what he did next. It wasn't anything much, I mean if I think back to it. But it was for us. Us? How can such a small word hold so much meaning?

So here I sat, in a local bar, with Jack. I am not sure at this point what to think. The Air Force and what regulations we are breaking right now are in the back of mind, however distant they are. Jack reached under the table to my hands, which had at some point gathered in my lap. For either the reason that I didn't trust them right now or because I didn't know exactly what to do with them, but here they were, clasped in my lap. I felt his left hand slowly make its way over my hands, gently making its presence known. His fingers glided over my thigh with the briefest of touches and I felt myself stiffen at the sensation. Once his fingers danced over mine I gently let go of the hold I had and intertwined my fingers with his. Palms against palms, we just sat there. My eyes closed, enjoying each sensation he brought out of me and to me. When I opened them, all I saw was the heavy emotion that lay there. The friendship, respect, love, it was all there plus more.

For some reason my eyes filled with tears. Thinking, I do that entirely too much. I want this man, I want what he has to offer so much. It is unfair that I am not offered that chance. I know he knows this, I can see the same thoughts in his eyes.

That's when he leaned in a bit closer and I felt his breath on my neck. He asked me to dance. I know I should of declined, said I wanted to play pool with Daniel, who was eyeing us, watching our every move, like he planned this or something. Jack stood and looked over at him before offering me his hand, which I took. 

I don't really remember the song that was playing, some juke box tune from the eighties I think. I don't know, I was to caught up in the man who was now standing in front of me and wrapping his arm around me all the while grasping my right and holding it to his chest. We stayed like that for a while; just being close to one another was enough.

I look over at Daniel one more time and smile. The fleeting thought of what might happen between him and Janet crossed my mind. I knew Janet's feelings about Daniel, after what happened when Anise went back without her precious armbands, Janet had arrived at my place with a movie and a bottle of wine.

Jack noticed my thoughts then and pulled a bit away to look at me. He asked me ever so softly what I was thinking, and I told him. Well parts of it anyway. Our spell was broken then. 

All during the next week we weren't due on any off word missions, thank god because I had a ton of work to do in my lab. I hadn't seen Jack for most of the week, which is okay. I mean I need some time to myself sometimes, don't get me wrong I love being around him and the others, but a girl needs her time to herself once and a while.

General Hammond called us into a briefing on Wednesday afternoon. I was ready for the break let me tell you, I was hoping for an off world mission. But what we got was a mission off world, but to go through guidelines for a treaty with the To'kra. Don't get me wrong any chance I can see my dad is a good one, and the added bonus of signing a treaty was a great thing. But I really didn't want to be stuck in some conference room banging out guidelines. I thought we had people who actually did this, why did the General want a field unit to handle it?

"Because Major, you know these people better than any other unit here."

Okay fine. No problem General. Sure Fine You Betcha.

All hell broke loose when Major Graham started using some alien technology to murder a few guards and seriously hurt High Councilor Per'sus . I have no idea what happened. Anise started to tell us about some gou'ld technology that controlled the mind, and that the To'kra had some problems over the last few months with this. 

So we find ourselves like I said above, back home with Anise, unfortunately. I am sorry but there is something not right with her. I just don't trust her, at all. That and the fact I think she thinks of Jack in a way she shouldn't, in a way that I am only allowed to, even if it is only in my dreams and in here. 

She said that we had to test everyone who was in contact with anything gou'ld in the last two months. Great. That's almost more than half the base. 

After the incident with Astor we all got a little more nervous, this thing made you self-destruct. I am not ready to die, especially by my own hand. So when it came time for us to go in, my stomach was in knots. Jack wasn't talking to me, Daniel and Teal'c were off doing something, relaxing maybe, I have no idea. So I sat there, well tried to sit. I was too nervous.

Anise called Daniel and Teal'c first. We watched from above, and their tests came out normal. As I of figured they would, those two never have any secrets to hide. Now myself on the other hand. I am no angel I can tell you that much. But I know what to keep a secret and when to keep it.

Anise called Jack first then me. The General had evidentially ordered us to go eat, so I went when Jack was in there. Let me add a personal note here: I went unwillingly. I didn't know how Jack did, but when he exited the room he was greeted by two guards and taken away. I looked strangely at them for a moment before Anise called me in.

I failed, I know I did. By the look on her face, I failed. How could I fail? Why me? 

After the exam I was escorted back to quarters. Joy.

The General explained that we were both in isolation until a cure could be found. Wonderful, I'll go insane in here alone.

Jack came in a bit later. I asked him to get me out of this. And that's when he sat down and told me he was too infected. I really didn't like that answer. He shouldn't have been effected; it wasn't fair to him. He didn't deserve it.

So here I sit, waiting. I am not good at waiting when it comes to things like this. I would rather have what ever was going to happen come quickly, instead of having it long and drawn out. I think back to Jack, what is he going through, where are his thoughts going? Is he thinking of me, like I am of him? I would like to think so. 

Janet came by told me that she was going to either sedate us until they find a cure or we could undergo the same treatment as Astor did. Some choice. I wish I knew what Jack was going to choose.

When she left, I had some serious thinking to do. I really don't want to die. Why is it when we go off world and we are under fire or captured by some awful civilization, I am not as nervous?

Maybe it's the fact that this would be by my own hand. 

I wasn't trained for that.

So much in my life has been good, some of it I would have changed if I could. I mean I wouldn't have changed the fact that I joined the Air Force, I can't see myself doing anything other than this. For one if I hadn't joined the SGC dad wouldn't still be alive. I consider that a definite plus. Since mom died, he has been the only family I have. As I told him once before, my brother, well he paints me with the same paint as he does him. I miss him. 

I consider my work here at SGC valuable, I feel like I am making a difference in the world. I love my job to say the least. There is one more thing I wouldn't change, meeting Jack. Through these four years we have grown closer to each other. There is a bond between us that is unbreakable. We have been through hell and high water with each other, and we are still alive and kicking, together. 

If we could I know we would have more than just this friendship, more than this working relationship. I know that sounds funny coming from me, the one who is more by the book, but I can't help it. If there was a way, and he felt the same, there would be no stopping us.

I know this sounds premature, but I can't help it. A girl can dream right?

Daniel and Janet come back to tell me that Jack is going to go through with the treatment with Anise. How could he do that? He knows how it will end up, he will kill himself. He can't do that. He can't leave me.

I can tell that he has spoken to Daniel, just because of the way he is avoiding me and my questions and constantly looking at the floor. Figures, men they always stick together. I can tell Janet is watching me, I know she wants to give me some answers, but she is unable.

"He thinks that with the information Anise can retrieve from him, that she can save you." That's what she said to me. I look back to Daniel then to Janet. What is going on here? Janet is watching me, like she is waiting for me to do or say something, and Daniel, well he is watching her. I know what's going on with them, but neither is willing to take that step. Just like Jack and myself, even though there are no regulations stopping them. I make a mental note that if I get out of this alive, I will have to have a talk with both Janet and Daniel. I close my eyes and my thoughts drift back to Jack and I close my eyes.

Jack is willing to do this, to possibly die, so that I can live. I can't let him do that. Doesn't he know that once he dies, part of me goes with him? As much as I don't want to admit it at this time, I can't live without him. I have to stop him. As I stand there my arms wrapped tightly around my waist, like I was imagining someone holding me, telling me everything was going to be all right, I heard footsteps. They were coming down the hallway, this was my chance, if I could just talk with him, convince him that there had to be another way. I didn't want to go under sedation; I didn't him to die.

I yelled to Jack, and he turned around to look at me. This sad expression evident in his features, he looked like some one who had lost the one most important thing in his life. In that one glance, that one blink of an eye I know what that one most important thing was in his life. 

I ran back in and yelled at Janet and Daniel. They were standing close to each other talking amongst themselves quietly. How could they let him do this, how could they? My insides are crumbling, I can't let him do this, and I can't let him die. I can't lose him. Daniel turns to look at me and Janet does the same. How come they get to be happy and I don't? 

Daniel kept telling me it was his choice, it was his choice. No it can't be his choice. Janet is telling me that it's time to go under. I don't want to, I don't want to. 

I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Tears are filling my eyes now, goodbye Jack, I silently say, willing my thoughts to him.

Daniel left then, I saw the look that he gave Janet before he left. He was scared, hell so was I, so was Janet for that matter. She watched him leave. I could tell she needed him there for support, I did too. But he left anyway. When I wake up I'll have to have a talk with him. That is after I give him a piece of my mind for letting Jack do what he is about to do, among other things.

There has to be another way to combat this. I can't believe that we are zatarcs. That thought has been running through my mind since we were tested before. I don't remember being taken captive, for all I know the gou'ld can't alter time in any way either. The computer is wrong it has to be.

Janet has finished strapping me in and already given me the sedative. I am mumbling at this point, I know its working because I can hear myself calling after Jack, replaying the scene on the gou'ld ship after we lost our arm bands. Then it hit me we lied. Well we didn't lie, we just didn't tell the entire truth. I don't blame anyone unparticular, we are too much to blame whether it is because we are too afraid to admit it even to ourselves. Love, those four little letters can be so unforgiving, so complicated.

Janet, I have to convince her to stop Anise. She can't do this to Jack, he isn't infected, and it will kill him. I am not sure what I said or did but she went running out of the room all of a sudden. I hope it was to stop Anise. My brain is so foggy right now, I have to concentrate on clearing it, I have to save him, to save us.

She came back a few moments later and undid my restraints. I asked what was going on and she told me that I was going to talk to Jack, just like I asked.

It's now or never here Sam! I thought to myself.

Janet brought me into the holding cell in the infirmary where Jack was strapped to the chair with Teal'c standing next to him. 

Oh Jack. My eyes fill with tears again, I tried to hold them back as much as I could, there is a room full of people, and well I am not ready to show all those emotions to everyone. I am just trying to get used to showing them to myself.

I asked if I could speak to him alone. This wasn't a conservation I wanted to have with everyone watching, or here at base for that matter. But it had to be done. 

I leaned down just inches from his face, I could smell his cologne, and I could smell him. Oh god, concentrate Sam, concentrate. I tell him we aren't zatarcs. He looks at me funny and asks why. I swear he can be so blind sometimes. Maybe he is trying to deny his feelings as long as he can. Is he afraid of losing himself to me like I have lost part of myself to him?

He tells me that he didn't lie, that he didn't leave anything out. I know he didn't leave any thing out from the mission, but he left out the personal things, the emotions. I didn't think they would be relative, but I guess they are.

"Ah, ok, the reason why you didn't leave me behind, Sir, it has something to do with our work, or military ranks." I was trying to get him to see what I was talking about. I hope he sees it, come on Jack think. 

I am so close to him right now. My hand is resting gently on his arm. As I speak my fingers are moving slowly over his arm, taking in the texture the feel of him. God he felt wonderful. I want more. Is that a bad thing? 

He looks right at me, I know he finally realizes it and I move my hand over his and give it a gentle squeeze, but instead of letting go I don't. I stand a bit straighter and turn back to Anise and Janet and ask for us to be re-tested.

I really didn't want this to come out this way. I imagined sitting in his living room in front of a fire; candles scattered through out the house, the gentle smell of flowers flowing in the air. Jack sitting there leaning against one arm sipping red wine, me facing him. Okay I have to stop this train of thought; it won't get me anywhere with a room full of people.

Anise starts her questioning again. Jack is going through the stages of our mission again. Then he stops all together and looks straight at me. I know what's next. Its almost like he is asking permission. My eyes tell him yes, he has to do this. I know then that this isn't how he imagined this happening either. I know Jack, believe me I know.

I can fell my eyes starting to fill with tears, tears I can't shed here. Tears I see reflecting in his eyes.

Anise asked why he felt like he couldn't leave. As a last chance he tried to deny it once more and it didn't work. I warned him again and Jack fell silent, as if collecting his thoughts.

Looking up at me and only me he continued, "I didn't leave Carter, because I would rather die then have anything happen to her."

"Why?" Anise had to ask why? Geeze can't she get a clue. I knew she had to though, for the test. 

"Because I care about Carter," He paused, "More then I should."

Jack closed his eyes; it's not that he hated to admit that he needed someone, but we had to have a audience and that we had to be on base. For me it was that a life or death situation had to happen before we could admit anything. 

Then it was my turn, I helped jack out of the restraints, my hands slowly gliding over him as he got up and out of the chair. There was no way that I could not touch him. I had to; I needed the contact, to feel him under my fingers.

He smiled at me and put the restraints on me. As he put the headband on he ran his fingers through my hair. Oh my god, what a sensation that was. I have never felt anything like that before in my entire life. It made me feel alive, loved, respected. The list can go on and on. He went and stood where I was before, behind Anise. I looked up and saw Janet through the window. She wore a sad expression, like she was upset that all of this had to come out this way. We talked about this before, compared notes I guess on how each of us would want to have this conservation with Jack and Daniel. A sad smile crosses her face and I return it.

Anise went through the same questions as she did with Jack, and she received the same answers. I watched Jack the entire time, watching his face, watching his emotions play across his face. He was happy I could tell that much, but sad at the same time. He was giving me strength, encouraging me to continue with his eyes. If a person could actually do that. It was like his presence was engulfing me, like it gave me everything I needed to continue.

I close my eyes for a moment, it figures that something like this would have to happen to us, so that admit our feelings for each other. 

As soon as Anise says that I am not infected Jack is over to my side letting me go from the restraints. I give him the option that this will never leave this room, and he agrees. But you know, I am not sure if that's just a front because everyone is here watching us or if it really is the truth.

I am hoping it's the first choice.

I am going to leave it up to faith though, if something is supposed to happen now, then it will, if not then I know it will happen later.

Janet is over at my side resting a hand on my back, asking me if I am all right. I know she wants me to know that she is here to talk with if I need her. I nod and smile at her returning back to Jack.

After our moment is gone, we have to think about who could be the one, and Martouf is the most likely person. He wasn't tested yet.

After everything was said and done Martouf was the one, and I had to be the one to fire the last shot. He called out my name, pleaded with me to end his life. He didn't want to die by his own hand. I didn't want him to die at all. He was a friend, even through all the memories that Jolianar left behind for him… I don't know. I am just upset; mad… you know all those feelings you get when someone close to you dies. I can feel the tears coming again. I can't let them show I can't. Not here.

   [1]: mailto:KrisCatherine@stargatesg-1.com



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